Take That!....the comeback not the English boy band

I apologize for having gone MIA, friends. I occasionally have to really work at my job and while I always appreciate your (semi-stalking) "are you OK?" emails, I really could do without the "I knew your blog would start to suck at some point, liar!" ones. One such 'fan' actually wrote, "I bet you think & think all week and only can pop out ONE decent post. Real writers ALWAYS have material on hand!" Well guess what, whore? You're about to eat a shit sandwich...which conveniently can also be done in my van. I'll provide the necessary materials. I've reviewed some of my most recent emails to pals & family and have come to the conclusion that I - ahem - fucking kick ass at emailing people....when I have the time.

To A Coworker:
Admirable. You are really sticking to your latest character - Jonah, the shy Amish boy visiting the big city. Tell girls you like to groom your horse, Pepper. $20 you'll be the most popular guy in the bar.

To My Brother-in-Law who keeps asking me what to send my parents for a thank you gift:
So glad the Midol is helping. I crush it into most of Pat's meals.

Expressions of thanks and appreciations for the Schmutte's…….some options:

1. Fund a wing of Inova Fairfax and call it the Lamar Schmutte Old Person Taking Care Of Section. Mom loves Lamar (RIP, homey) and loves old people.

2. Get 5 Masses said for Mom. Two just says 'acquaintances', 6 says 'sexual desire' so 5 is a nice medium ground.

3. Fly to Afghanistan. Cut a lock of hair from Brendan. Bring it to my mother for her to weep over and forget, as always, that I exist.

4. Flowers, Edible Arrangements or Thai prostitutes are actually your best bet.

You're super neat. Anything you send will ensure my mother calls me screaming, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT ADORABLE CHRIS YOUNG SENT?" and I will most likely respond, "This is the amount of shit I am giving - click."

To A Friend:
Holy shit, it's almost 1pm. WTF? Where has the day gone?! I currently smell like Cool Ranch Doritos and desperately need a nap. I just emailed someone named Koch but spelled the last name Kock. I wonder if they'll notice.

To Another Friend:
My dad and I talked on the phone last night. He went on & on about how Lady Gaga really knows her shit and seems very educated and astute. I said, "did you watch the interview on Good Morning America?" and he said yes, and I said, "the one where she was wearing a body condom and had horns on her head?" and he said, yes, that one. There was some silence and I asked him what he thought of Miley Cyrus but he said she is common gutter trash.

To My Cousin:
Joseph, so wonderful to hear from you. Even more glad to hear you are officially someone's boyfriend though, until I meet J., I will believe she is a robot. Your pictures prove nothing. That could just be Clare in a Beyonce mask.

Actually the weekend you named, Bryn and Amy will be here! The timeline is packed but you guys are so welcome to stay here should J's parents find your inbred albino bloodline undesirable. We have the room and as soon as Kris knows you'll be within 50 miles of my house, she's probably going to order mobile toilets and sleep on my deck all in the name of Accommodating Joe.

As for my kids - shit. The boys are enrolled in lacrosse and karate. Dylan has displayed some coordination and ability to catch on to new skills. Sawyer has displayed his great need for an MRI and a straight jacket. Lo likes to now mock me while pointing her finger in my face. She is going to be really sad when I break that finger off and offer it up to Lamar.

We still have the drawings Uncle Joe did and the boys ask about you all the time. I always tell them we will continue to TiVo How To Catch A Predator until we catch a glimpse of you. Hugs!

Is there anything more beautiful than the English language? Thanks for being patient, friends.