My Quoteable Family

"Within 10 minutes of being on the dock, Sawyer had dismantled my fishing pole and I kicked your mother's Ray Bans in to the water goddamit!"
- Dad

"THERE'S MY FRIEND!"
- Mom frantically waving at obese sign spinner on street corner

Pat (listening to me sing along with the radio): You think when deaf people drive their cars they sign along with the music?
Me: Pat, they're deaf.
Pat: Annnnnnnd?

Sawyer: I wanna go in Bucket's murder home.
Meemaw: MOTOR home, Sawyer. Say MO.
Sawyer: MO
Meemaw: Say TUR
Sawyer: TUR
Meemaw: MOTOR HOME.
Sawyer: MURDER HOME.

Bucket: Sawyer, what town do you live in?
Sawyer: LEESBURG!
Bucket: What's your zip code?
Sawyer: 99.5 KYS FM.

"My dream vacation would be to go to an amazingly quiet beach that has clear blue water and I don't have to walk far to it and we have a great big house and all of our friends & family can come with us!"
- Me
"My dream vacation would be to go to all the places on Diners, Drive-ins & Dives."
- Pat

Dylan: Mama, I love my friend, Tommy. He has the nicest smile!
Me: That's so nice, Dylan! Why is his smile so great?
Dylan: Because it's like this! (smiles big & pulls eyes out to outer corners of head with fingers)
*Tommy is Asian. Fuck.

Me (pregnant, craving sugar & not wanting to share has plans to run in to CVS and eat monstrous amounts of candy under the guise of picking up something else): I need to run in to CVS. I need something.
Sawyer (in backseat): I LOOOOOOOOVE SOMETHING!
Pat: Something, huh? Like DORITOS?
Sawyer (in backseat): I LOOOOOOOOOVE DORITOS!
Pat: You shouldn't be eating that! You have been eating so badly this pregnancy!
Me: Um, EXCUSE ME. I am actually going in for vagina cream, OK? You want to come in with me while I waddle around CVS looking for VAGINA CREAM?
Sawyer (in backseat): I LOOOOOOOOVE VAGINA CREAM!
Pat (now nauseous): Dear God, look what you've done. Just go but I'm smelling your breath when you come back!