The Wednesday Email....for DHJ

Guys - Today is a huge day for me. HUGE. Yes, it is my son's 6th birthday (IloveyouDylan) hence the mega adorableness above but that is not why I am giddy. Today marks the day that I…..became addicted to drugs. And not just any drugs but the BEST drug, the most fulfilling & phenomenal drug. The one that makes my heart race and I would buy it on the streets of Anacostia if I could.

Please meet my lady, the epidural.
Yes, having my kids was a fantastic experience. Welcoming life in to the world and hearing those first cries…yada, yada, yada. WHERE THE FUCK IS THE NEEDLE? Like any first time mom, I was pretty nervous 6 years ago. I was the first of my friends to have a baby. My mother was no help because I think she had me while on the Oregon Trail or fighting in the Revolutionary War.

My big fears at the time?
1) Not being able to eat during labor. This made no sense to me. How was I to fuel up for a grueling delivery if not ravaging a giant burrito for power?
2) Not being able to wear pants. My mother kept saying, "sweetie, you can't wear pants during childbirth." I kept insisting that I could make it work through a series of snaps and maybe a cape.
3) The Epidural Needle. You hear horror stories of it being as long as a Mack truck and some random doctor would just walk in to your room and jam it in your back with no warning and then take your kidneys.

Thankfully I overcame all my issues…well, not the eating one. I still find that ludicrous and during child #3 delivery, I actually slapped my husband's chicken nuggets clear across the room as he had the audacity to eat them in front of me (this was obviously before the beautiful epidural was received). I handled my following pregnancies with a stiff upper lip (OK, MAYBE a few crying jags in the bathroom when traffic made me late and I missed the Boston crème doughnuts on Free Bagel Day) because I knew….I knew my precious epidural and I would be reunited and it would be glorious.

So, happy 6th to my oldest baby. Also, happy anniversary to me & the epidural. Around 1:25 today I will slip in to a memory coma and relieve every glorious moment that drug gave me. The initiaI anxiety, the pinch....and then.....The Calm. The wave of numbness and beauty coursing through my spinal column whispering, "shhhh, it's OK. We know, we know. What fucker eats chicken nuggets in front a woman in labor? Trust, he is about to get an EYEFUL that he can never UNSEE. You SHOULD be able to wear pants during this. Really, you should. Shhhhhh. And yes, it IS unsettling that the nurse keeps checking your dilation while wearing her 19 carat engagement ring. Maybe you can force your vagina to steal it. I kid, I kid. Shhhhh."

I was even calm when my husband said, "can we get a continuous drip of this…..until 2023?" Shut the f.....oh yes, that's the stuff.