This little submission requires a smidge of background:
Back in 1989, Dan & Krissy decided it would be a super life experience to move us to St. Louis, MO (actually, I really remember my mom screaming, "I'M NOT GOING, ASSHOLE" but Dad bought her some shiny jewelry and we became Mid Westerners for a time). Brendan was in 3rd grade and I was in 5th and we were pretty nervous to be The New Kids (not on the block). Brendan's first week consisted of a spelling test…which he totally bombed. His teacher was not impressed with his backwoods Virginia education as he spelled white - WHYT and he spelled doughnuts - DOGNUTS. He cried all the way home while my mother attempted to look up the patron saint of spelling. This was also The Greatest Day of My Life as finally Brendan had screwed up and Mom was researching therapists for him & his spelling perversions. I could, for once, stuff my buck toothed chubby face in solitude without Brendan narcing to our mother that I had eaten 9 chocolate chip cookies.
Cut to the present. I ride Brendan's ass about this specific incident at any & all times…..mostly when I'm drunk though. I get everyone to ask him how to spell "white doughnuts". He huffs & puffs and gets 9 shades of pissed off and everyone laughs at the super hero Captain America figure that has the spelling abilities of a pine cone.
Some of you know that Brendan and his team are currently being filmed for a reality project about a deployed EOD unit and their experiences. I have had a hard time with this as 1) If anyone in this family is going to be a reality star, it should be me. Hello. and 2) I'm not sure how I feel about someone waving a camera in Brendan's face while he tries to work out how to disable a damn bomb. Being the obnoxious, pushy, older sister that I am, I tracked down the show's producers and emailed them.
I let them know that Brendan is more than some potential reality sensation. He's not the Living Hurt Locker or some indestructible entity. He's my little brother, my parents' only son, Amy's husband and a fantastic uncle to my children. He is an essential, important part of my family. He is not the next "Situation" or some jackass from "The Real World" because it doesn't get much realer than Afghanistan. I asked them to back off of his team while they are deployed, to get the hell out of their way and allow them to be safe, to think and to survive. For this, I would be grateful. For this, I would give them a gift……I told these producers that if they wanted to get a real reaction out of Brendan as he is notoriously closed off and appropriate at all times - ask him how to spell "white doughnuts." This is the phone call I just got from Brendan:
Brie: Hi Br---
Brendan: SHUT THE FUCK UP! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!
Brie: Uh, no. Are you O---
Brendan: SHUT THE FUCK UP! I was just mic'd and had 2 cameras on me and lights in my face and the producer lady sits down and says "are you ready?" and I say OK and put a big fake ass smile on my face and she says, "OK, the first question is…..how do you spell 'white doughnuts?" and I STARTED SCREAMING, BRIGID! I SCREAMED, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?
Brie: Oh. Tha's not go--
Brendan: I yelled, "who have you been talking to?" and the producer laughed and said, "I can't reveal my sources"and I said, "you've been talking to MY SISTER, haven't you? MY SISTER!" and she was LAUGHING, BRIE! LAUGHING AT ME!
I was wrong. I thought a crisp fall day in 1989 was the best day of my life. Nope.
Back in 1989, Dan & Krissy decided it would be a super life experience to move us to St. Louis, MO (actually, I really remember my mom screaming, "I'M NOT GOING, ASSHOLE" but Dad bought her some shiny jewelry and we became Mid Westerners for a time). Brendan was in 3rd grade and I was in 5th and we were pretty nervous to be The New Kids (not on the block). Brendan's first week consisted of a spelling test…which he totally bombed. His teacher was not impressed with his backwoods Virginia education as he spelled white - WHYT and he spelled doughnuts - DOGNUTS. He cried all the way home while my mother attempted to look up the patron saint of spelling. This was also The Greatest Day of My Life as finally Brendan had screwed up and Mom was researching therapists for him & his spelling perversions. I could, for once, stuff my buck toothed chubby face in solitude without Brendan narcing to our mother that I had eaten 9 chocolate chip cookies.Cut to the present. I ride Brendan's ass about this specific incident at any & all times…..mostly when I'm drunk though. I get everyone to ask him how to spell "white doughnuts". He huffs & puffs and gets 9 shades of pissed off and everyone laughs at the super hero Captain America figure that has the spelling abilities of a pine cone.
Some of you know that Brendan and his team are currently being filmed for a reality project about a deployed EOD unit and their experiences. I have had a hard time with this as 1) If anyone in this family is going to be a reality star, it should be me. Hello. and 2) I'm not sure how I feel about someone waving a camera in Brendan's face while he tries to work out how to disable a damn bomb. Being the obnoxious, pushy, older sister that I am, I tracked down the show's producers and emailed them.
I let them know that Brendan is more than some potential reality sensation. He's not the Living Hurt Locker or some indestructible entity. He's my little brother, my parents' only son, Amy's husband and a fantastic uncle to my children. He is an essential, important part of my family. He is not the next "Situation" or some jackass from "The Real World" because it doesn't get much realer than Afghanistan. I asked them to back off of his team while they are deployed, to get the hell out of their way and allow them to be safe, to think and to survive. For this, I would be grateful. For this, I would give them a gift……I told these producers that if they wanted to get a real reaction out of Brendan as he is notoriously closed off and appropriate at all times - ask him how to spell "white doughnuts." This is the phone call I just got from Brendan:
Brie: Hi Br---
Brendan: SHUT THE FUCK UP! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!
Brie: Uh, no. Are you O---
Brendan: SHUT THE FUCK UP! I was just mic'd and had 2 cameras on me and lights in my face and the producer lady sits down and says "are you ready?" and I say OK and put a big fake ass smile on my face and she says, "OK, the first question is…..how do you spell 'white doughnuts?" and I STARTED SCREAMING, BRIGID! I SCREAMED, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?
Brie: Oh. Tha's not go--
Brendan: I yelled, "who have you been talking to?" and the producer laughed and said, "I can't reveal my sources"and I said, "you've been talking to MY SISTER, haven't you? MY SISTER!" and she was LAUGHING, BRIE! LAUGHING AT ME!
I was wrong. I thought a crisp fall day in 1989 was the best day of my life. Nope.
It was today because today I proved to my smug little brother - I can get you Any where. Any how. Any time. Oh and that I love you and would do anything in my power to keep you safe including emailing reality show producers. But mostly - I can get you. That is the main point here, fool.
Archachar, bitch!
3 comments:
unBELIEVABLE.
this is TRUE?
impressed beyond belief.
LOVE YOU BRIE! This is hilarious. I can't believe you haven't been on my Google Reader all this time. OMG now who is the dork? Love you so much!! XOXOXXOXOXO
After HOW many years of education the best you can come up with is "MUCH REALER?"....Your Grandpa Otto is spinning in his grave - how about "MORE REAL?" Oh, and - what piece of jewlery exactly did I get? You want to be sure, 110% sure of your facts before you put them into print or you could get sued for slander.... Speaking of spelling - what word did YOU blow it on in the Spelling Bee for SJS?
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