Even Then I Was Gangsta As Hell

Though I am blog friendly, Adobe Acrobat makes me its bitch each & every time hence the small snapshot above. However, it was too amazing an opportunity to pass up. I am going to break it down for you -

The real meat of the left article says:

"SJS 8th graders hosted a successful Spaghetti Night last month. The spaghetti dinner was enjoyed by SJS families as well as many parishioners.Congratualtions to the following SJS 8th grade cheerleaders who made the freshmen cheerleading squad at Bishop O'Connell High School: Melissa Smith, Leah Salvador, Jessica Falkosky & Brigid Schmutte."

The right article complete with Sports Illustrated-bound photo and entitled "Essay Winner" reads as follows:

"Brigid Schmutte, an 8th grader at St. Joseph's School in Herndon, was awarded $75 at the annual Law Day Luncheon for her essay on 'Why A Student Should Spend a Day in Court'. Her essay won first place out of entries from 23 Fairfax County Schools in a Fairfax Bar Association contest. The essay was part of an assignment for students who toured the Fairfax County Courthouse, visited with inmates, sat on trials & met with judges

Let's breakdown my thoughts on this -

1. Yes, I was a cheerleader in high school. It is the basic foundation for what would later become The Team. Did being a cheerleader make it hard to remain true to the Catholic values instilled (beaten) in to me? Absolutely NOT. I saw shit that would terrify the most hardened of vice cops. And now the Team keeps pumping out daughters and we live in fear of what is to come.

2. Who in their right mind takes 8th graders to jail? We were a bunch of hood rats in training and I clearly remember thinking, "aw yeah, we're gonna meet some PROSTITUTES! I'm going to ask them if you can get pregnant from kissing like my mom says!" (flashfoward 10 years to get the answer: yes, you can...hello, Dylan). We did NOT meet prostitutes. From what I can recall, we met a man accused of bouncing checks. Boo. Bring on the felons!

3. Do you see that my writing skillz were evident even back in the day? I won awards! Even pre-Charlie Sheen I made it cool to spew inane BS and throw it in the public's face.

4. I won $75? Where the fuck is that money, DAN? Best be collecting interest.

5. Why am I dressed like a transvestite, you ask? This was 1992, yo. TIES WERE IN. As were silk vests and asskickin' headbands & sexual shoulder pads. If battled on this issue, I will bring in guest blogger, Kathleen Abbott, to break down the finer points of early 90s head gear & fashion. Tweety Bird boxers NEVER go out of style and should ALWAYS be rocked at a boy-girl party.

In all seriousness, it really needs to be said that this picture brings back a lot of memories of sort-of-innocent times. Big thanks to Dress Barn for my wardrode, St. Joe for showing me the judicial system (and how to get around it) and Dan & Krissy because LOOK AT THOSE CHOMPERS. And that shit was POST-braces. Imagine the before. Like Mr. Ed with a grating snort laugh and no boyfriend. Shudder. Thanks for coughing up that cash to encase my whole face in headgear for two years, parentals. It really helped me build my self-confidence as I repelled any boy in as 11 mile radius. "But my pershonality is sho awshome!" said with 18 rubber bands in my mouth.

Thanks to Phyllis for the picture - still the best hair braider in these parts.