Most of you are aware we fled NoVA for some glorious holiday times in Florida.
This was the boys after TSA gave us a thorough pat down and tested Logan's water (I kept insisting it wasn't vodka..."that is NOT what we are checking for, ma'am").
This fucker ate Miracle Grow from under my mother's couch one day. Miracle Grow. He walked up to me and mumbled, "Mama, my face hurts" and his teeth are covered in chalky blue shit and his breath smells like a goddamn Meadow's Farm Nursery. I freak out. I jam my finger in to his mouth and rub the blue shit all over my finger...then rub it in to my own mouth. Pat is screaming, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I apparently feel like my mouth is a mass spectrometer and could tell me what the substance was. I did get a nice burning sensation in the back of my throat. Don't worry - mojitoes cured it, and Sawyer lived through the night and will never eat Miracle Grow again since Meemaw made him say a rosary and learn about saints that were martyred by being forced to eat shit found under couches.
This child climbed right in to my heart while we were in Florida. I oozed love and adoration for her as she would sleep until 9am every damn day. It was bliss. Then she would fuel up by eating 1 piece of candy from each of the 89 candy dishes that my mother has casually distributed throughout the house and re-enact The Exorcist: The Sugar High Cast Out.
This was the boys after TSA gave us a thorough pat down and tested Logan's water (I kept insisting it wasn't vodka..."that is NOT what we are checking for, ma'am"). Then we arrived. Enter My Parents -
Here's what you need to know about my family - we are ghetto.....but in a classy, sorta Jay- Z way. You know Jay-Z: he's kinda hood but likes 400 thread count sheets and collecting Hummel figurines. Well, that's actually Krissy, my mom, but you get the idea. Example 1: my mother is an amazing cook. AMAZING. For Christmas dinner, we had beef tenderloin, creamed leeks, grated potatoes & cheese and drinks galore all laid out at an immaculately set table with name cards and candles. Then we got a call from Brendan who tells us that the film crew has told him they have never heard another person on the planet swear as much as him. This destroys my Catholic, holy, sainted mother who screams, "that fucker! They are going to have to bleep every fucking thing he says on TV!" while waving around her Waterford wine glass.
Note: you will not see many pics of Krissy/Meemaw as she feels a photo steals your soul. Or is that vampires? Whatever, they're basically the same.
Example 2: 
Meet Trainwreck, my dad's boat...and I use that term lightly. Trainwreck was purchased so my dad could do work on the dock (another loosely used term) and not worry about damaging a pricey investment in the process. Do you like that Trainwreck is tied to the dock with no less than 19 ropes....because someone might steal it, Bucket? Because you want to train my children to be aerialists?
Meet Trainwreck, my dad's boat...and I use that term lightly. Trainwreck was purchased so my dad could do work on the dock (another loosely used term) and not worry about damaging a pricey investment in the process. Do you like that Trainwreck is tied to the dock with no less than 19 ropes....because someone might steal it, Bucket? Because you want to train my children to be aerialists?See - ghetto....but classy.
Here's a breakdown of each of our big Florida events:
DYLAN
Jesus, take the wheel. This kid ate another tooth. Yes - another because he ate his first loose tooth...and while in Florida he ate his second. He found it hilarious and it didn't help matters that Bucket was laughing like a loon. I gave Dylan a choice - he could either stop eating his teeth & get braces when he is older (and with the way Pat & I looked as buck toothed teens, he will need it) OR I will purchase him a colonic machine that will assist him in monthly tooth loss recovery. Choose wisely, my son.
DYLAN
Jesus, take the wheel. This kid ate another tooth. Yes - another because he ate his first loose tooth...and while in Florida he ate his second. He found it hilarious and it didn't help matters that Bucket was laughing like a loon. I gave Dylan a choice - he could either stop eating his teeth & get braces when he is older (and with the way Pat & I looked as buck toothed teens, he will need it) OR I will purchase him a colonic machine that will assist him in monthly tooth loss recovery. Choose wisely, my son. SAWYER
This fucker ate Miracle Grow from under my mother's couch one day. Miracle Grow. He walked up to me and mumbled, "Mama, my face hurts" and his teeth are covered in chalky blue shit and his breath smells like a goddamn Meadow's Farm Nursery. I freak out. I jam my finger in to his mouth and rub the blue shit all over my finger...then rub it in to my own mouth. Pat is screaming, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I apparently feel like my mouth is a mass spectrometer and could tell me what the substance was. I did get a nice burning sensation in the back of my throat. Don't worry - mojitoes cured it, and Sawyer lived through the night and will never eat Miracle Grow again since Meemaw made him say a rosary and learn about saints that were martyred by being forced to eat shit found under couches. LOGAN
This child climbed right in to my heart while we were in Florida. I oozed love and adoration for her as she would sleep until 9am every damn day. It was bliss. Then she would fuel up by eating 1 piece of candy from each of the 89 candy dishes that my mother has casually distributed throughout the house and re-enact The Exorcist: The Sugar High Cast Out. MAMA
Obviously this picture gives evidence to the fact that during my holiday in Florida, I did a lot of half marathon training, read some novels and crocheted. WHATEVER IDIOTS. I drank & napped my face off! This lovely moment was caught by Pat when he was taking my picture and was saying, "I love you, I love Christmas, I love our family" and I'm thinking "Jesus Christ, can't you see my ice is low? Ugh."
PAT
So this is my dad's car. Pat swears he & the car have "a connection." Pat finds any & all opportunities to take that car out and his most used line in Florida is "I have to go run some errands." What are those errands? I have no idea but if my mother wanted Tampons & an anal bleaching kit, Pat Jenkins would be out in that car full force to fulfill those needs.
COMING SOON!
Flo Rida Part 2: The Boat Ride & Schmutte Bonfuego
1 comments:
Hysterical Brie! Also, I noticed Pat showing Ben a picture on his phone and proudly saying, "this is what I did in Florida!" It was a picture of that car! ha!
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