What's In Your...STFU

Most of you probably aren't even aware that I work. Most likely don't even know what I do. That's OK, neither do I. What needs to be brought to your attention, though, is that I am hilarious and my office thinks so, too (eat it, Brendan).

Every week, I am responsible for sending out a reminder email to my team reminding them well, to do their jobs. I need project information from them to zzzzzzzz. Shit, I fell asleep. Work is THAT exciting. The bottom-line? You need to send me info, SO DO IT.

Regular reminders did not help. Things on calendars that would sound alarms and lock your keyboard until you said my name 3x were frowned upon. And so, the Funny Reminder Email began.

I think I'll post some of the better ones now & again and you can get a laugh as well.

For the record, THIS ACTUALLY WENT OUT THIS MORNING TO MY COLLEAGUES. I have zero shame when it comes to reminding you to give me shit that I need. And yes, everything below really happened. This is my life, people. Laugh away.

Hey guys. Here is why all your slides will be on time tonight -

Monday, September 20:

8am - My paycheck is still not in my bank account. Huh, that is weird…and beginning to get a bit bothersome as bills like school tuition, Nordstrom's & Chipotle are rolling in.

10am - HR tells me that they have stopped paying me because I am listed as being on maternity leave. News to me. Oh, and you've been on maternity leave since February 2009. No one is paying me until it is proven I am no longer on maternity leave. HELLO - she is 19 months old, her name is Logan and she likes nachos - TAKE HER.

10:30 am - HR tells me that Global One not only says that I am on maternity leave but apparently I am also single. Huh. Note to self: call Jake Gyllenhall ASAP.

11:29 am - I am pacing the cafeteria like a hungry leopard looking to assuage my annoyance with food. Shocking, I know. I get salmon…and Doritos. It does not help.

3:07 pm - send a meeting invite to Heather….it is immediately kicked back with the awesome message "you are not authorized to email this recipient." Stellar. HUMPH - I didn't want you to come to my BPM Presentation anyway, Heather!

3:10 pm - go to file an expense report. An error message saying "you are not authorized to perform this function" pops up. That mileage to Richmond on my minivan is not going to pay for itself! I eat 7 Snickers.

4:45 pm - pick up eldest child who is a gift from above and brightens my heart. He tells me he kicked some kid at school today.

4:50pm - I run over a squirrel.

5:07 pm - I am pulled over on Route 7 and given a speeding ticket.

5:20 pm - middle child has crapped in his pants at preschool.

6:03 pm - During dinner, husband says to oldest child - "what was your favorite part of your day, buddy?" Child begins crying, "Dad, the policeman was going to take Mama to JAIL for DRIVING SO FAST!"

As we go to press err, email, I still have not been paid. I will now do your slides for a $20 fee. I'm not saying they will relay the status of your project well and/or not contain profanities but I need income.

People, don't let me down. I cannot take anymore. 9pm.

Clever or Crazy?

This guy.

Sawyer can be a mystery to me at times as I do not know what being a Middle Child is like. I only had to compete with my brother, Zeus the Amazing at Every-eff'g-thing. So if Logan becomes a world class supermodel and also performs a little espionage for our country on the side all while volunteering at the local animal shelter every weekend with 6 pack abs, I'll know how that sorta feels and can handle the boys.

However - Sawyer perplexes me and makes me proud & insane & confused usually within a 3 minute span roughly 17x a day.

Yesterday, we took the posse to Home Depot. Pat had a hankerin' for a power washer and our brood was itching for an outing. Home Depot is great because they really can't break anything and if they do, well you just shove it behind some plywood in the door section. Anyway, the boys are high on great weather and brotherhood (or paint fumes) and were running in the aisles chasing each other playing tag. Very adorable and I thought, "they're so close, I love this," and turn my back (MISTAKE).

I hear Sawyer's voice…usually loud & melodious….this time with a touch of menace & crazytimes…"Dylan! Turn aroundddddddddddd, I have a SURPRISE for youuuuuu!" I whip around to see Dylan who is about 5 feet ahead of Sawyer running stop short and spin around with a glorious look of "oh, a SURPRISE? FOR ME?"

BITCHSLAP!

Sawyer's clocks Dylan across the face with a slap reminiscent of Ike Turner.

I laughed. No seriously, I did. Because that was a damn good set up. While yelling at Sawyer like we were in a military bootcamp, I wondered, "is he clever and cunning because he is a Middle Child or because he is MY child and I am about to reap some serious shit for the horror I brought to my own parents?"

Then I started drinking.

9/02/10

I have been waiting for this day for YEARS…only to forget about it because I run a Child Army, have a full time job and lose my car keys in my purse every eff'g day. Basically - other priorities took over. UNTIL my childhood pal (and Facebook pic posting biyatch) Melissa reminded me that today was the holiest of holy days (sorry Mom…I know that was blasphemous) -


HAPPY 90210 DAY, EVERYONE!

Let us all throw on a pair of Spandex shorts and watch Donna's nose and chest area shrink and grow, respectively, remember the Brenda-Dylan-Kelly love triange and rehash how many times Kelly has been burned/abducted/Single White Female'd and other random acts of drama.

Most importantly, let us focus all attention and adoration on one Dylan McKay. He was and IS the reason my oldest child is named what he is named (um - Dylan - for those of you not catching on).



Also - let us please take notice of the similar poses Dylan McKay and I both are sporting in these pictures? Coincidence or a soulmate indicator? Just throwing it out there……...