Cape Cheeto

My kids have numerous adorable qualities....and then some that are so annoying, I could pull a Mel Gibson on "Access Hollywood" and start ripping out my arm hair (it happened, YouTube it).

Sawyer knows certain topics of discussion are off limits at certain times - talking about dessert before we've even had dinner, asking about new toys when he's just received one. In my never-ending insanity, I usually end up yelling, "Sawyer, we are NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS!"

Cue lightbulb.
That little ass nows asks me to spell certain desires of his. A simple example would be this:

Me: Sawyer, eat your salad.

Sawyer: Mama, how do you spell croutons?

Adorable, right? Not yesterday.

Yesterday, we went to our super fun, favorite water park at Ida Lee and met our friends the Browns there. Lunch rolls around and Natalie pulls out a huge bag of Cheetos. The boys' eyes go wide. I permit them to have some but since they are both blessed with their Mama's stomach (that being: bottomless, never full & always ready for Cheetos), we had to curtail their competitive eating. Dylan lost his shit as 1) he was tired, 2) I had already yelled at him in the pool to stop playing Ninja Turtles and pretending Logan was Shredder and 3) who doesn't want more Cheetos?

(this is what I imagine the boys' college dorm rooms to look like)

Sawyer, I thought smartly at the time, retreated back to his towel while Dylan howled about injustices upon his Cheeto love, and I'm attempting to not choke him as he is getting louder each passing second. And then I hear.......

"Mama, how do you spell Cheetos?" and I whirl around and there's that little orange-fingered psychopath gleaming at the bag of Cheetos.

I scream, "SAWYER! SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT THE DAMN CHEETOS!"

His response was delivered smoothly and measued: "Mama, I was not asking to eat the Cheetos. I just want you to spell it."

I honestly felt like I was in that movie "Cape Fear" where Robert DeNiro stalks some family and creepily says, "Cooooooounseeeeelllllorrrrrrr" every 8 seconds. It still gives me goose bumps. And so does the Spelling Buttface.

True Love

I don't know about you, but I ALWAYS dreamed of having a baby while my mom runs for vice-president and my baby daddy poses for Playgirl and makes bank by doing pistachio commercials.

Hell, I thought it was scary to tell Dan & Krissy I was preggo. Can you imagine this conversation?

Swimmin' Time

Monday we ventured to the Ida Lee water park for some fun & sweat-out-the-alcohol sunshine. We got in at 11am because we are, ahem, Leesburg residents. Step aside, foreigners. Finally - a bonus to living in Leesburg besides there being a Costco 10 feet from my house. EARLY ADMITTANCE AT THE WATER PARK - BE STILL MY HEART!

The boys were IN LOVE with this water park. There are slides and kiddie areas, lots of shallow, safe portions and a lazy river. This caught our attention immediately and we focused our efforts there. Ummmmm, getting in to a tube while knee-deep in water sounds easy. I swore I could do it gracefully. Psyche. After 23 minutes of Pat and I fitting our asses in to tubes and then each grabbing a child, we had a joint moment of "WTF....we have THREE kids. DYLAN - get in a tube - hurry!" He screamed about drowning and being left behind but like Bucket taught me "we're building character here.....now shaddup."

Pat decided he just had to go down the 'big kid slides' as the boys called them - twisty, high slides that require climbing 3 flights of stairs. I was out. Macaronis & I opted to sit at the bottom and wait for Dada. After 4 minutes of waiting, I was pissed. This was taking too long....and then I heard this ungodly WHOOOOSH and saw one of the slides tilt. Yes, tilt. A microsecond later, Pat shoots out of the bottom and the wading area holding 1 lifeguard is rocked by a tidal wave. The lifeguard even had to tightly cling to her red floating device! Pat said when he came out of the water, he heard my voice screaming, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?"

My major complaint: teenagers. Teenagers everywhere. Texting, kissing, groping, diving, jumping, swearing......who are these kids and where are your parents? You are annoying as shit. Step away from my pleasant family day (and serious mojito hangover). One NON-complainer? Pat. Oh yes. Pat Jenkins enjoyed himself immensely at the water park as this was the type of teen who he kept watching through his sunglasses when he thought I couldn't see his eyeballs popping out of his head -

Sure, she's pretty. But can she make you layer salad and fold your laundry, Pat? NO. $20 she also does not want to be bothered with your children who are currently drowning since you are not paying attention to them. Why would he even bother looking at THAT when he has this -

UV rays are nothing to dick around with, people. I am fair skinned and this porcelain shell requires coverage at all times. I'm sorry if it is not sexy.....but neither is picking up your old boxers next to the laundry basket, not IN IT. Next to the basket doesn't cut it, Jenkins. Maybe your teenaged water park mistress would tolerate it but not up in here.