....it sounds like the beginning of an awesome joke. It is not. This is my story.
The Earthquake
I was scheduled to meet with my team's new Vice President at 1:30pm. I walk in to his office, pen & paper in hand, and sit down for a nice chat where I plan to throw down so many amazing, profitable ideas for our company (errrr). Anyway, VP & I are enjoying our nice conversation when....his office moves. I think "shit, is that what it feels like when I run down the hall for free bagels on Thursdays?" Then it moves again. My fearless leader puts both of us in a doorway and then calmly says "we need to leave." We hurl ourselves towards the stairway along with 8,000 of our closest friends. At this point, I would like to say thank you to my colleagues who remained calm and polite....minus the bitch who packed up her entire desk (really? you're that important?) and kept wacking me with a printer she had jammed in her backpack.
VP & I burst in to the sunlight (like a movie...except he was not carrying me...I don't know why not). We look at the building. It is fine. I see some of my friends. They are fine. My heart rate slows. I am fine. Then it gets fucking crazy....
VP and I continue to talk. We covered a myriad of topics ranging from our budgetary hopes for 2012 to the war to gambling. No one else will come talk to us! I think they sensed the aura of power VP and I were emitting. Then our power duo became a trio....as our CFO walked up and joined our conversation. And this is what my face looked like for the next 20 minutes -
And yes, I am 98.3% sure there was something in my teeth the entire fucking time.
CFO is surpremely nice, was very concerned for everyone's safety and just wanted to reach his wife. Bottom-line: a totally normal person. And yet, I looked like the above because I was so terrified. Below are the words that came out of my mouth. The italicized portion is what was screaming in my head as I spoke -
Brie: Hi CFO, so nice to meet you. I'm Brie Jenkins. What fine weather we are having, huh? (Shut the fuck up. STOP TALKING RIGHT NOW. Career de-rail. DE-RAIL. SHUT THE FUCK UP)
Brie: I work on DMS. It's a fine, fine program (I hate French people. I hate project plans).
Brie: I agree, CFO. Istanbul IS lovely this time of year (where the FUCK is Istanbul?).
Brie: Me? Oh I have three children (who are absolute jackals). They are wonderful (I think I left one in the garage this morning). You're right, time DOES fly (at what age can they be my designated drivers - 12?).
Brie: I live in Leesburg. VP offered to drive me home. (I wish I could say that last sentence was a thought. It was not. It fell out of my mouth like a piece of shit. VP, who is a nice, kind man who saw I ran out with no car keys, no cell phone, nicely offered to drive me home....which I told our CFO....like some kind of psycho).
The BEST part of this entire debacle? The LOOKS I got thrown my way. Side-eyed WHAT THE FUCKs like you have never seen! People looked at the 3 of us in abject horror, and I could read their minds - "am I hallucinating? Is this the Apocalypse? Is Brie talking to the new Finance VP and the CFO? Is there something in her teeth?!" Oh how I loved those looks.
Finally, we were allowed back in the building. VP told me he would never forget our meeting. Oh VP, that would have happened earthquake or not as I surely would've tripped over something or snorted at a joke - most likely my own. I then stayed up all night waiting for our CFO to friend me on Facebook. UPDATE: he hasn't, but he's really busy planning our trip to Istanbul next year, guys.
